Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photo by Sora Shimazaki from Pexels. Knowing what to expect can help you be better prepared to manage potentially difficult conversations or responses during mediation. And if youre struggling with what to do first, reach out for support anywhere you can get it (counselors, lawyers, family, friends, etc.). Literally letting it all go over your head and not reaching your heart. No matter which one of you is the plaintiff, the narcissist will be the self-described victim in all of his or her filings, the marriage revisited and retold. In the long run, shifting the focus off all the spats and keeping your efforts on whats truly important will only strengthen your relationship with your kids. Required fields are marked *. Narcissism is a trait marked by a high opinion of oneself and a strong need to be admired. Again, most people want to put the unpleasantness and stress of divorce and all of its attendant negotiations and give-and-take behind them; thats just not true of the narcissist, which makes going up against one that much harder. Since an agreement with a narcissist is unlikely, you'll need to submit your own to the court to show the exact custody arrangements you want. The more specific and organized your plan, the more effectively it demonstrates to the court your capability as a parent. As a result, fights with narcissists often require a delicate balance of assertiveness and diplomacy. A true narcissist exhibits behaviors that hurt. All rights reserved. Advocate for your child and keep their interests closest to your heart. They are often charming and persuasive and will try to use these qualities to their advantage in court. Having an objective of enabling spouses to amicably resolve their disagreements in a non-confrontational environment, it has become a workable option to the narrative path of filing a divorce petition, going through the judicial process, and paying attorneys to hash it out in a divorce trial. Mediation depends a lot on each spouses capability to communicate freely, compromise voluntarily, and agree willingly. Judges are unlikely to be able to spot a narcissist, although they may have an understanding of narcissistic behavior. Narcissistic personality disorder. If you are going through a divorce and are concerned about your spouses narcissistic tendencies, seek experienced legal counsel to help you protect your rights and interests. This is the method that I have used time and time again Be prepared for the filing of lots of motions, requests for more time and delays, emergencies" and the like. Restraint of pen and tongue is key. Have a notepad in front of you and write down what has been agreed. 5. Narcissists may want to be in the picture as much as possible. His new book is Rethinking Narcissism. Narcissists often lash out because they feel insecure, so try not to take their criticisms to heart. While it is impossible to say for sure whether or not a narcissist will fight for child custody, being aware of the potential for manipulation and deception is mandatory. Additionally, preparing in advance will give you time to think about how best to respond to the narcissists demands or behavior, so that you can ensure a successful outcome for your client. When parents can't agree on a settlement, the court Having a neutral third party or mediator present can help keep conversations focused, professional and productive. Even during the worst times, be sure to acknowledge what youre up against. Finally, be prepared to compromise. Discuss the patterns of your about-to-be-exs responses and the best way to deal with them and make sure that your side has a strategy. Know how risky all communication is with a narcissist ex because he or she is likely to edit your texts and emails to share them with others, his new inner circle people. 2- Witnesses: If possible, have witnesses prepared to testify in court and provide supportive testimony on behalf of your client. A negotiation is a discussion aimed at reaching a mutual agreement. First and foremost, you should avoid being argumentative. Put yourself in a situation where you have to negotiate with a narcissist and you know you are in for a battle. Ultimately, it is important to remain focused on the goal of a successful outcome for the custody arrangement and take steps to protect yourself from any potential harm caused by the narcissist. She further explains that along with conflicts, you may experience a number of other challenges while co-parenting with a narcissist, including: You might see a common thread among these challenges and thats the narcissists need for control. Setting up boundaries is a way that you can limit your exs ability to get you fired up. Because the narcissist is an expert at self-presentation (and believes in his or her own superiority), the working assumption is that the judge will believe his or her story. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. What are the warning signs that someone Mary G. Kirkpatrick is a trial lawyer whose practice in Vermont has included complicated divorce cases since 1986. Its not always obvious that theres a narcissist in the mix, especially if he or she appears to be well-spoken and well-off; self-presentation goes a long way in fooling people. If you decide to divorce a narcissist, prepare for the worst. 4- Expert witnesses: If necessary, have subject matter experts prepared to testify in court and provide expert opinions on certain topics related to the case. Here are some common pain points that I see: Exploiting a pain point means identifying it and letting it be known that taking the difficult road to resolution risks exposing this to the world. A narcissist may try to provoke you or play on your emotions to throw you off balance. Going to court and having a judge decide may actually make the narcissist more comfortable because it means he or she doesnt have to take responsibility for the outcome, especially if its not favorable. 2005-2023 Healthline Media a Red Ventures Company. However, there are some things you can do to deal with a narcissistic husband. Instead, it would be best to focus on listening to what they have to say and understanding their position. Tweak your approach in ways that allow you to take more control of what you can. Mediation can be successful with a narcissist, provided both parties are willing to engage in the process and maintain an open attitude. A plan might include things like who pays for medical costs (or who pays what percentage), visitation schedules for everyday life, and visitation schedules for holidays. Eat right. In their study, published in American Law and Economics Review, Margaret Brinig and Douglas Adams concluded that the issue of child custody drove women to file first, giving themthe primary caretakertemporary custody at least. Reviewed by Chloe Williams. Your time will come to make a deal and move forward. Keep records of emails, texts, and notes from meetings or phone calls. Your email address will not be published. She too recommends that you develop support by going into therapy since this kind of divorce is emotionally and psychologically wearing. Is the Highly Sensitive Person Really a Narcissist at Heart? By engaging you in a court battle, the narcissist is still using you to feel powerful. This is especially dangerous when your narcissistic ex is the extraverted, charming type with lots of money to burn, Malkin says. It can be difficult but try not to take the narcissists words or actions personally during mediation. Also, if the narcissist has a lawyer, having your own can level the playing field and protect your interests. Even just talking through your feelings with a neutral person can help you take a step back and reassess your situation. Were going to give you a full strategy for preparing for custody mediation with a narcissist: 1- Understand the narcissistic personality disorder: It is essential to understand the traits and behavior of a narcissist in order to support your client effectively. When it comes to mediation with a narcissist, things can get a little tricky. He or he is likely to indulge in what military strategists call a scorched-earth policyleave nothing standing in his or her wake. This can make reaching an agreement more difficult and damage your relationship moving forward. In any mediation, remember that there are certain things that you should avoid. Additionally, the process is likely to include: Depending on which state you live in, family court proceedings can take a lot of time, and the narcissist will instruct his or her attorney to eat up as much of it as possible. If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to go to court against a narcissist, there are several ways to crush a narcissist in negotiation. Love and take care of YOU Jo. WebTo successfully share custody with a narcissist, you need to treat co-parenting like a business relationship: establish detailed rules, set firm boundaries and document everything. Be clear about what you want to achieve. As valuable as divorce mediation may be, it is not for everybody. Your ex is likely to revel in seeing you super anxious or upset. With regard to co-parenting, this might include things like where your child will spend most of their time or how much contact a child should have with either parent. Narcissists feed on the reactions they get from others whether good or bad. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? This not only protects you in case of future disputes but can also provide valuable evidence if the narcissist tries to deny or change their statements in mediation. Dealing with a narcissist can be a challenging and frustrating experience. Hire an Attorney Who Has Worked With Difficult Personalities It starts with Love Bombing, then goes into Devaluing, and finally the Discard phase. Mediation is turning into the preferred approach of resolving divorces. Read about Mariettes Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching. Sound familiar? And thats how the narcissist inevitably loses the game., Kirkpatrick adds, They marginalize themselves if you just stay focused on the next right step.. This is called grey rocking: pretending to not take any interest and becoming unresponsive. I hold a Bachelor of Laws (LL.B) from UoL. Kirkpatrick notes that other tactics may include delaying when he or she thinks it can help or get under your skin, not showing up for court dates, including misleading information in filings and appeals that then needs to be challenged, and not disclosing information fully so that there are additional rounds of attorney correspondence and discovery requests and the legal fees continue to mount up. How to get a Narcissist to settle in mediation. Again, time is an arrow in the narcissists quiver and he or she also knows that the longer the process takes, the easier youll be to manipulate and pressure. Womens heightened sensitivity to relationship issues leads them to be more dissatisfied; Marriage is a factory for traditional gender expectations, which is supported by the finding that women still carry two-thirds of household responsibilities; and. It is important to stay calm and focused during the mediation and to have a clear idea of what you want to achieve. If you can stay calm and keep the narcissist from taking over the conversation, you may be able to reach a custody agreement that is fair for both parties. Mediation is typically unsuitable for cases involving domestic violence, child abuse, or other forms of coercion, as it relies on the parties being able to communicate openly and honestly. If its getting to be too much to handle on your own, reach out. Narcissists are notoriously challenging to deal with. Janet McCullar is a seasoned attorney who focuses her practice on matters involving parental infidelity and child custody disputes. 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